O Zone: Where do you draw the line with children?

VINITA DAWRA NANGIA

To teach children coping skills, parents must hold themselves back from overindulging them emotionally or financially!

I remember standing outside the imposing school gates of Convent of Jesus and Mary, some loose change clutched in my fist, as I debated the pros and cons of buying some chikki or chilli chips. It was a serious consideration for a child, involving a thought for the hygiene factor, recollection of when I last indulged myself, the school’s admonishments about buying from wayside vendors, wondering if I could spend the money in a more useful manner, and whether my parents would approve!

What mattered was not the tiny amount in my fist; it was the thinking that went into spending it that I cherish today. Years later, I am just as careful about spending money. It is never a question of how much I can afford; and always one of whether I really need the object of desire. It doesn’t matter how deep my pockets are, what matters is whether what I buy is really worth the spend!

Somewhere deep down, one’s attitude to money has a lot to do with the values one imbibes. Selfless or selfish, caring or thoughtless, self-indulgent or generous – all this dictates your relationship to money.  And when we pass on values to our children, a very important part of that transaction is attitude to money. Teaching them how to handle money through instruction, discipline or example, is an important part of bringing up children.

Today parents share a much closer, friendly bond with their children, which makes it more difficult to discipline them. It is easier to give in to the urge of indulging your children, rather than denying them a pleasure you can easily afford. Parents find it difficult to say no, whether it is the gift of a car, a motorcycle, a foreign trip or a wild party. The persuasive powers of children brought up on a diet of mesmerizing television commercials aimed to seduce, and video games that allow them to manipulate reality, are exhausting for parents already confused about where to draw the line!

Rather than risk long-drawn battles, parents tend to give in. They find it easier to bring up children in the cocoon of protection, rather than leave them frustrated and wanting. When indulging our children, we are also indirectly indulging ourselves.

However experience shows that if all the mollycoddling and indulgence keeps them ensconced in a delightful, unreal bubble, children will never be prepared for real life.  So it is important to introduce them to realistic situations and allow them to make their own mistakes. Denial is as important as indulgence; kids must understand the difference between need and want, and learn to wait for what they desire. To leave scope for motivation and ambition, it is important to leave that little something they still need. 

Young mom of two Monisha Bajaj says, “I make sure that I allow the children to get a little less than what they ask for because it is very important to teach them they cannot have all they want. That would surely spoil them!” Good thinking.

Bewildered parents brought up in leaner times, are eager to share their new-found prosperity and spending power with children, and find it difficult to draw lines and lay down rules. Even if they realise the risks of indulging a child’s every whim, they find it difficult to answer why friend Sanjukta can throw money around at the mall when their Kanika cannot. Why Parthiv is allowed his video games, Blackberry and iPad, while their Rakshit isn’t.

These are not easy questions for any parent to answer. Yet, intrigued at how other parents deal with their children, I threw a question at friends on my Facebook page:"Am sure you indulge your kids! How do you decide where to draw the line?" Many wrote back. Ratheesh V Sankar  said, “Kids draw the lines these days" while Kumar Saurav agreed "Parents are just advisors!”

One way of giving children a realistic idea of their strengths and limitations is to talk straight to them, and make them understand that your denial is not a cruel whim, but a considered decision for their own welfare. Handling pocket money teaches children to make choices, take considered decisions, save and plan. Learning about money is indeed a critical life skill for children to pick up. However, this skill can be learnt only if they get a limited amount, dictated by their need rather than the parents’ giving capacity. Lachmi Bose, another Facebook respondent, says, “I love to indulge my son with gifts, but I always draw a line and make him understand that money does not come easily... or he will not have the drive to earn and do well in life.”

Courtesy: TOI blogs