Tung-men Wu did not grieve when his son died. It is difficult not to grieve when somebody you loved so much has died. It is possible only if you have known something of the essential. It is possible only if you have tasted something of the deathless, if you have transcended the accidental. He did not grieve, he was not sad. He was not weeping or crying; he was not broken. He remained just the same as he was before.
The wife was disturbed. She said: No one in the world loved his son as much as you did, why do you not grieve now that he is dead. Ordinarily, this is our logic, that if you love a person too much you will grieve too much when he is gone. The logic is fallacious; the logic has a deep flaw in it. In fact, if you have loved a person really, when he is gone he is gone; you will not grieve much. If you have not loved the person deeply, then you will grieve very much.
Your father dies, or your mother dies. If you have loved him totally while he was alive, you will be able to say goodbye to him without any grief because you loved him. That experience of love was total and fulfilling; nothing is left undone; nothing is hanging over your head. Whatsoever was possible has happened; now you can accept it. What more was possible Even if he had been alive, what more would have been possible. The experience is complete.
Whenever an experience is complete, you are ready to say goodbye easily. But if you have not loved your father as you always wanted to, you have not been respectful towards him as you always wanted to, you will feel guilty. Now the father is gone; now there is no way to fulfill your desire now there is no way to show your respect, your love. Now there is no way, you will feel yourself hanging in the middle, in limbo. You will not be at ease; you cannot say goodbye. You will cry and weep and you will be broken, and you will say that you are broken because your father is dead, but the real thing is something else.
Once an experience is complete, you can get out of it very easily you can just slip out of it as the snake slips out of his old skin. If you love a woman and you have been constantly quarrelling with her, and it never became a deep satisfaction, and she dies... now she will haunt you, her ghost will haunt you for your whole life. While you love a person, if you love him totally there is going to be no misery. Of course, one feels a little sad but it is not grief; one misses a little but one is capable of remaining centered, one is not distracted.
It is the unlived experiences that go on piling up and they become heavy burdens. The problem is that now there is no way. You cannot complete them because the person has disappeared. Whenever an experience is complete, it is a ripe fruit it drops of its own accord. It leaves no scar behind, there is no wound. A Sudden Clash of Thunder.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Say Goodbye Without Grief: Talk by Osho
Man, some people are just RUDE!! (ACY by Sonal Kalra)
HT City, Delhi
27 Nov. 2011
Ask a rude question, and you are bound to get a rude reply. Then, don't cry and say `why this Kolaveri Di?'
I sometimes bump into this woman on my way back from work. Whenever she sees me, she asks me one, and only one question. "You look tired, are you unwell?" For a long time I kept telling myself `aww, how sweet. She is so concerned for me.' And even though I didn't really feel tired or unwell, I would politely reply, `yeah, it's been an awfully tiring day at work'.
But, to be honest, I don't quite enjoy being told everyday that I don't seem okay, and it is now bugging the hell out of me.
Yesterday, she said, `You are getting dark circles under your eyes. Have you been partying too much or are you sick?' I could have gone and fretted in front of the mirror for an hour, but this time I took my face closer to hers and asked, `are they as dark as yours or even worse?' The last I know, she had booked a doctor's appointment for a check-up.
See, I know you are still wondering what's the big deal in what she said, and, in all probability think my reply was rude. Well, yes it was, but so was her question. We, in India, are taught a skewed and rather limited definition of the term `rude', while we are growing up.
We are told that if a person raises his voice or speaks in a harsh, unpleasant way, it is rude.
So we tend to focus only on the packaging of the words and how they are being delivered, more than what is being said! We don't realise that it is totally unacceptable even when the `packaging' is super sweet but the content smacks of nothing but ill-manners.
A colleague of mine was visiting his hometown recently when a woman relative asked him what he does, for a living.
`I work in a newspaper,' he replied. "Achha? Kitna daal lete ho?" she asked. Wondering whether she mistook him for the newspaper vendor (in his place, I would've wondered if she was fond of making obscene remarks!), he stood quiet. And then she elaborated. `Har mahiney kitna daal lete ho bank mein?' (how much goes in your bank every month?). Ahh, so she was asking him about his salary.
No big deal, you may again say.
Damn rude, I think.
Sadly, we see nothing wrong in crossing the boundary and asking fairly personal questions of people, sometimes even strangers. Well, I think it's unfair to put up with them in the name of politeness. Here are some of the rude questions we Indians specialise in asking, as if it's the compulsory thesis for a Phd in ill-manners. Since I don't wish to be seen as advocating rudeness a la `an eye for an eye', I suggest two possible ways of coping up with the question -the polite answer (TPA), and the I-am-taking-you-on answer (TYOA). Choose yours, at your own risk.
1 What's your salary?: TPA: (sheepish smile) "God's been kind. Bas kaam chal jaata hai. It's just the start of the career, but it will get better in a few years...etc etc" (ugh)
TYOA: I'm happy you asked.
Do you want a loan? I charge really high interest but can afford to lend big amounts at a short notice. I didn't know you were having trouble with finances. How much do you need? (disclaimer: don't try with the tribe of chachis, maamis, mausis etc or your parents would kick you out)
2 When are you having kids?
(or in desi style: `good news' kab de rahe ho?) TPA: Smile. `When the right time comes. These things are in God's hands.' (go, cry in a corner)
TYOA: (Looking them in the eye): We are waiting to see how your kids turn out before we decide. And feeling very anxious at the way it's going so far.
3 To the parents/siblings of a girl who got married recently `She's happy, no? (khush toh hai nah?)
TPA: Yeah, she calls me every evening and for two-and-a-half hours, tells me how happy she is.
TYOA: No, yaar. She tried to poison her mother-in-law yesterday but the neighbour's stupid cat drank the milk. I've asked her to wait before the next attempt.
4 Have you noticed that you're getting fat? How much do you weigh?
TPA: (look down embarrassingly): Yeah, don't ask. I'll start working out from this New Year.
TYOA: Shit, really? It totally skipped me because the mirror at home is broken. 450 kgs isn't much. And the paunch is the latest style trend in the west. You should try it, though it's not easy.
5 Why exactly did you break-up?
TPA: We were just not compatible. It was not meant to be.
TYOA: (very seriously): She wanted to try her luck in Hollywood. And I was always in favour of our own cinema. You've got to be patriotic. No? By the way, the idiot-store called. They are running out of you. You better rush.
6 To a heavily pregnant woman: `Oh God, you look huge. Are you having twins?'
TPA: (sheepish): No, just one, a little healthy, I guess.
TYOA: No. Are you?
Okay, fine. My answers above are rude and perhaps you should not try them at all. But I hope you do get the point. Do not venture so much into peoples' personal lives that you leave them awkward and embarrassed when it is you who is at fault here. If they feel like sharing personal stuff with you, they would do so on their own. Let's try and not be experts in ill manners. This is one Phd we should not mind dropping out of, mid-way. What say?